So I finally decided to make a myspace. Everyone has been telling me to do this lately and I figured you know what I am going to give it a try. So I talk my brother into helping me out. I have no idea how to figure all this crap out and I want a badass looking page. I mean if I am going to do it I might as well do it right. At some point I go to a buddy’s page and am scrolling down his comments. Bam I guess he talks to my ex and there is a post from her. She looks fucking amazing. I have made it a point not to look at her at all in the last 3 or more months. When we first broke up for like the first week I would look at her myspace page all the time. I finally got myself out of that trance and went cold turkey. Let me tell you that really helped my mentality when I did that.
It just sucks that I had to see her. She is in cosmetology so she is always messing with her hair. I am super conservative and she was out there. So she would always do crazy shit with her hair and all sorts of odd colors. It is so strange but I really like when a girl does that. So I am scrolling down his posts trying to find friends of mine when bam there she is. And she has done a Mohawk to her hair. Now you would think this would look weird but she is just smoking hot in this picture. I swear this girl could easily be a print model.
So I am sitting there looking at her picture. Telling myself go ahead click on her picture and go over to her myspace page. Part of me is saying look you are strong enough go ahead. I chicken out. But later in the night when I get home I see the pic again because I was trying to find another friend. I decide you know what don’t be a puss just click on it. I do and spend about 2 seconds at her page. See some old friends on her friends list and check them out. I am sitting here trying to figure out what is going on in my head.
As crazy as it is part of me is wanting to send her an email. The other part of me is saying dude don’t be a fucking dumbass. You don’t need that in your life. I can’t believe it has been 4 months and I am clearly still a little messed up over this. Yeah I could have definitely done without seeing that picture today. Fuck.
Over the last month or so I have been asked the question if I would ever go back with her if given the chance. I really couldn’t give a straight answer. My brain thinks about super fucked up stuff. I mean there is a .001% chance she hasn’t slept with other guys since the break up. This fact alone would mess with me a little. I mean I know it sounds hypocritical and all but I am fucked in the head. Just the thought of her fucking other dudes would mess with me. That is one thing I really like about us breaking up though. I am so much better of a person since the break up. I can let shit like that slip my mind these days much better than in the past. All the girls I have been with this year it makes no difference to me how many guys they have been with. Now that is probably because I don’t like any of them as serious girlfriends. I am not sure yet. It will be interesting to eventually have a girlfriend again and see if I question this. I have a feeling though my mindset is much better in this regard.
It is so weird how your life can turn in an instant. I mean if she didn’t break up with me we would still be together. That is such a hard thought to comprehend. I mean I look back on what I have done in the last 4 months and it is almost mind blowing. Just the difference of a life I have lead. It is almost as if I was reincarnated as a different person when we broke up. I am literally a different person and I think for the most part a better person.
I wrote the above about 30 hours ago. Fast forward to right now. I just got done fucking a girl. She ended up leaving and I open up my computer. I load myspace and bam there is a message from my EX. Holy shit I have had a myspace for maybe 48 hours and already got a message from her? That is just weird.
I had a buddy over here and I instantly start talking to him about this. He is giving me advice and as gay as it sounds I am a little shaky over this. I mean how the fuck did she find me already? Was she randomly looking for me? Was she checking out some of my friends pages and sees that I am now on their friends list? It is just so random and odd. Of course a billion questions are racing through my head. Should I respond? When should I respond? How should I respond? What should I write?
Life never ceases to amaze me. This is so freaking random and it is fucking with me big time mentally right now. I think the absolute best thing I can do is to at least ignore it for the next 24 hours. I was told she can tell when I read her message so this should fuck with her a little. I really believe she wants me to message her. I think I should message her back. I know deep down I don’t want to start a relationship with her again. At least not right now in my life. It wouldn’t work out. I would like to start something with her though. I mean I would love to have her come over and get naked. We have had absolutely zero correspondence in the last 4 months. I mean nada, zilch, none, nil.