I’m gonna tell you a story. For those of you who don’t know I am 30 years old. I guess I have had decent success with women over the years. I have mainly had girlfriends since I was 18. In fact over those 12 years I was probably in a relationship for at least 8-9 of those years. During the times I didn’t have a girlfriend I was a huge hermit. I didn’t get laid. I didn’t even talk to girls. I never went out to a bar or anything. Hell just to give you an idea I didn’t get drunk not one time until about the age of 26.

Here is the thing though. If I went somewhere during the day I would see plenty of beautiful women. I would see someone I thought was worthy of talking to on a daily occurrence. Did I ever talk to a single one? Nope sure didn’t. The only reason I had my last girlfriend was because she just kept turning around staring at me. After about 3 times I was nervous as hell but I finally went up and started talking to her. She chose me. What a fucking gay ass statement. She chose me.

I am just now after being in the game for 6 months or so really starting to choose my own targets. I mean yeah so I have chosen a few during the last 6 months but most of them I would say chose me for whatever reason. The point I am trying to make is learn from my mistakes. I could have met so many women some of which might have been amazing. I could have met these women if I just opened my mouth and said HI.

Next time you see a girl you want to meet just open your mouth and say anything. You might be thanking your lucky stars you did. Even if it doesn’t go well I know one thing. You certainly won’t be pissed off at yourself that you didn’t talk to that girl.

It is as if I can’t escape it. I am who I am yet I am who I am not when I am tipsy. Once again I go out and have some drinks and turn into Super Me. The me who just magically has it down. The me who will approach anyone. The me who has game. The me who attracts the girls who aren’t otherwise attracted to me. What is it? I know exactly what it is. I can feel it when it is taking place. It is a transformation that takes place. It feeds on itself. It turns me from boring me to interesting me. The me you want to be around. The me who is fun. The me is who outgoing. The me who is well you name it the me who you wanna be.

I hate so much that my brain has control over me like this. I am the most reserved, conservative person you might ever meet. I am uptight and my body language sucks. I look around like I care what you think. I probably do care what you think. While your approval means nothing to my happiness I seek it. I forever want to tear this layer away from my skin. It doesn’t belong…it is not liked and neither am I.

For the better part of the last month I have gone out and played this game sober. While my intentions were to have a good time and not that of seeking the company of a woman, I would be lieing if it was not in the back of my mind at all times. You go out and if you see some beautiful women your interest peaks. Mine certainly does. For the most part during my soberness I had advanced AA. I had self worth issues. Well at least I did anytime a magnificent beauty was around.

Friday night was certainly different. I knew I would be drinking. I wanted to. I wanted to get that sweet taste in my mouth again of what I know I can be. Who I should be. Who I am to become. We started off heading up to a gay bar. We knew the bartender and the drinks were going to be at a steep discount. I am all about this as anywhere we were headed that night drinks were 10 a pop. I have been to gay town on a few occasions. My ex absolutely loved it down there and on occasion I would get roped into going out. I am comfortable with my sexuality and not worried about getting hit on by gay guys. It happened every time I would head down there. Lion joked around about how we were going to get hit on. We head up to the second floor of the joint and almost immediately the guy next to me strikes up a conversation. He is a nice guy and thank goodness he quickly goes you are straight aren’t you. Yep sure am buddy Then not a few minutes later some guy walks up to me and goes how do we know each other. I feel like an ass but I turned around and just started busting out laughing. I composed myself and talked to him for like two seconds and told him nope we sure don’t.

So we are there chilling having loads of alcohol. I quickly start to feel the affects. Then all of the sudden I see a girl I have sorta been talking to. Nothing has escalated as my frame with her hasn’t progressed. I open her and she is like holy shit. I then see she is with a guy I met a couple weeks ago. I think how random but I met the guy the same night I met up with her at Republic so it made sense. Plus she told me earlier in the day she was out on a date that night.

Me and her start bantering and she is sorta all over me. Not sexually or anything but just Kino wise. I mean all signs point to she is into me. Lion is even like who is that old lady all over you. She told me she was 28 but I would say closer to 33. She looks damn good for a cougar though. She would leave and go hang with her date and then come back over and chat me up. At one point I am hanging with my group and she walks up about 4 feet away and is like come here. See this girl gets what she wants I guarantee it. I am just like no you come over here. She then reaches over and grabs my hand so I go over and chat with her. I try to convince them to join us over at another bar because I feel like I might have a chance to escalate with her later. They never end up showing up. Ever since this encounter she has been blowing me up trying to get me out with her. I should go but I get too many mixed signs from her so until I get a solid one I will probably leave it on the back burner and not be too eager to hang out with her. See I might invite her out and she declines, then she invites me out and I decline. We have this cat and mouse, mouse and cat game going on.

We decide to take off and head over to the other bar. As we are leaving there is one girl in the bar downstairs. We exchange amazing eye contact and like a pussy I walk right by as she was with a guy. In hindsight the guy was probably gay and I should have opened her. We get to the other bar and within seconds Lion is picking some girl up into the air. I am laughing my ass off and her friend comes over and opens me. She is not my type at all but I have a polite conversation with her. They join us for a while but I am bored with them and go find my own adventures. I come across a couple girls with dark skin and who are intriguing. I have no idea what I opened with but I am almost certain it was a neg about her hair. She had this blonde streak right down the center. She was alright but I was trying to figure out how to get with her friend. Real good dumbass you negged the wrong girl. I talked with them for a while even though I really couldn’t hear anything they said. I knew we were about to bounce to another bar so I invited them over. She instantly goes yeah I am not feeling this place. I eject not caring if they make it or not.

We head over to the other bar and it is just freaking packed. I have never seen it like this. We head up to the bar and get a drink. As I am walking back I run into the girls. They had followed me over. I hang with them for a bit and eventually number close the girl. I never did build any sort of rapport with her friend. It didn’t matter anyways because her friend most likely had already called dibs. I get bored with them again as really this girl isn’t my type so I eject. I then walk up to some little hottie asian girl. If I remember correctly she was pretty smoking hot. I wish I could remember what I opened with. She is pretty receptive but it was so loud I have a feeling she didn’t hear what I was saying correctly. This eventually went down the tubes and it was now closing time. Then all the sudden some girl runs into me that I have talked to at Republic a few times. She is parading me around the bar talking with her friends introducing me to everyone. I figure shit this is going to be an easy lay. Then I piss her off about something and eject outta there.

The guys I came with ended up getting kicked out. They for some reason decided to go into the girls bathroom. I hear they had about 4 bouncers escort them out. Hahha. So I am in the front of the building trying to figure out where these guys are. All the sudden a girl goes hey I know you. I go no you don’t, how do you know me? She goes I met you at Republic. I now remember her a little but I don’t know if it was because me and her hit it off or me and her friend did. I think it was her friend though. I think me and her friend were hitting it off when all the sudden her friend just gets super drunk. So I chat her and her friend up. Her friend is wearing a tiara so I go ahead and steal it and put it on my head. I then number close the girl who opened me and they bounce. I shoot her a text right there and she responds a couple minutes later.

All of the above that happened Friday night could easily be erased if I was sober. I would have looked like a chode to the HBCougar. She definitely wouldn’t have been as attracted to me. The girls I opened and venue hopped would have thought I was an ass and shoulder turned me. The girl who was parading me around well she prob would have still paraded me around as my frame is pretty good with her. The girls outside would have still opened me but I wouldn’t have stole the tiara and I wouldn’t have number closed them. Ohh and even though it didn’t go anywhere I probably wouldn’t have opened the hottie asian. Beside the fact that my sushi from earlier didn’t mix well with the alcohol that night I have probably my best night in a month. I had the most fun anyways.

So I am sitting here torn. A huge part of me is missing the lifestyle I had for the better part of this year. I mean I am craving going out and just getting crazy and meeting all sorts of women. The chase, the challenge, the intrigue of meeting new women. I love it! I want it! I need it! On top of this I never got good. I started going out, I started reading, I started learning, I got decent, I built attraction, I kissed a billion girls, I got a billion numbers, and I shagged a decent amount of girls. But I never got good, great, fantastic and that is bothering me. All my life anything that interested me I would just sit there for hours, days, weeks, months, however long it would take to get really good. Now I was never good enough at anything to be a pro well maybe bowling but I was better than most. That is what is bothering me right now. I never became one of the best PUA’s out there if I have to label it. What I would really rather call it is I was never able to attract most women.

Case in point. We went to Aura last week. I would say the average of the room was an 8. Now that is just down right insane and something I don’t think I have ever seen. Did I talk to one girl? Nope I sure didn’t. I was even with a guy who introduced me to about 10 women and all I said was it was nice meeting you. HUH???? WTF is that??? This is just retarted and is still bugging me a freaking week later.

See I basically had instant success when I got into the game. This success bread success and I will say I think I did get half way decent. I did learn a ton of stuff and it helped me a lot. But then I got complacent, super busy, and started neglecting the game. I no longer read material. I no longer incorporated anything new. I just did the same shit over and over that had a marginal success rate and went with it. I am not saying your game should always be evolving that is debatable. But you should always be improving regardless of what your goals are. See that is what I am so upset with right now. I don’t think I have improved for about 3 months. I think if I put my mind to this I could get really good. I mean I could see myself being back in Aura and just eating the women up. Walking up to any set and taking it over and having the girls fall in love. I know that is possible. I know it’s achievable. I want to see what it is like with women this attractive. I have had nights where this was achievable but it was with a much lower standard of women in the venue.

Then there is this other huge side of me that is basically the old me. The old me pretty much hated bars. The old me hated the chase. I just want things the easy way. I want them to just fall in my lap. I don’t want to work for it or anything for that matter. See that me is the loser me. Nothing is fucking easy or free in this life. You make your way your future your life. The old me just wants to tell my ex that we should be together and just run off and get married or at the very least go ahead and be in an exclusive relationship again. I mean that is the easy thing to do. I don’t have to worry about going out and trying to meet some hottie. It gets freaking tiring going out all the time, drinking yourself silly, feeling the effects the next day and then doing it all over again. You might find and meet some hottie but really she is just alright. You might build a harem and get laid anytime you want. You might have girls calling you, texting you all sorts of crazy shit that will make your head spin. Girls begging you to come over and fucking them silly. I mean it is an awesome feeling but damn is this one girl enough? This side of me certainly thinks so. Hell she was enough for 3 years what is so different now. Sure I had a taste of another lifestyle many would kill to have but she is still so freaking alluring to me.

I mean I could serioulsy picture her sitting right next to me right now living in this house with me. I can picture getting married to her. I can picture us having kids. I can picture us growing old and raising our family together. I can picture us spending all of the holidays with our families. It is vivid it is clear and I would be extremely happy with it.

So here I am standing waiting at this current Y in my path. I mean I would love to take both paths but can I? Maybe I can maybe I can’t like I said I am torn and currently my brain is not allowing me to choose a path. Writing this has actually helped me a lot. Because right now I am thinking you know what I don’t have to make this choice right now. This is something that should marinate on your brain for a while. It is something you certainly shouldn’t rush into because this is life altering.

I will however say this. I started reading material again today. It will be interesting to see what happens.

So I took the weekend off and headed out to my buddies lake house on Possum Kingdom. Man it was so nice heading out to the boondocks and relaxing. I must say I really want to some day own a lake house and all the toys that go with it. The house was nothing to write home about but out the back door there was the lake maybe 10 feet away. About a 100 feet away is the boat dock which houses the boat and jet skis. I must say this is just awesome. If you are going to have a lake house having boat access is simply a must. Any time you want to cruise on the boat you just walk out your back door lower the boat into the water and you are off.

Friday night we get there and just chill on the deck. You can see a billion stars out here. Only about 5% of me wanted to hit up a bar or something. I don’t know the area but there has to be some cool little bar on the water or something. We decide to just stay in and relax. The next day we took the boat out pretty much all day. We just parked in what is called Hell’s Gate. We tied up to a few other boats and just relaxed in the water and had some drinks. What a way to waste day. We head back to the house around 6 and I just pass out. I start watching tv while laying on the ground and before I know it I am snoozing. About an hour later my buddy is waking me up with dinner in front of me. He cooked up some badass steaks. We eat those and he is asking me if I want to go out tonight. Once again I have very little interest in this and we all just stay in watching movies.

This is probably the first weekend in about 6 months that I didn’t go out. It felt a little weird. I mean I almost didn’t even go in the first place because I wanted to go out as well. I am glad I did though. It was nice to just step back and relax for a change. I will say though the next time I go out there I will definitely bring a girl with me. For some reason I didn’t even invite anyone to go along with me. I am not certain why I didn’t but I suspect I just needed some time alone.

It’s really weird but I think I am geared to just be by myself a lot. Which is odd since many times over the last 6 months I would just go stay with a girl because I felt the urge. I mean I would go show up and like midnight just to stay the freaking night. Now all the sudden even in this big lonely house I don’t want anyone around. I’m sure that feeling will once again change and I will be trying to figure out how to keep the house occupied.

It is so weird. My good friend has invited me out to his lake house like 8 billion times already this year and I have declined every single time. The reason. I wanted to go out and have fun trying to meet women over the weekend. How lame. Well maybe not super lame since I was just putting what I thought would be most enjoyable first. Now all the sudden I think taking time off and heading to the lake would be most fun.

What is even odder about all of this is several of my good friends are all in the mindset of taking breaks from the game. I don’t see how that works out. Is something in the air? Are we all the sudden smoking crack or something? I find it very odd unless we are all just feeding off of each other.

I must say I feel a bit guilty though. Knowing I will be heading out to this badass lake I still feel the need to try and meet women out there. I have already made it clear to my friend that we will be hitting the bars around there Friday and Saturday night. How fucking gay is that. I should be just heading out there to relax. God knows I need to relax. I hope that when I get there I will just be like fuck it lets just chill, barbecue and hang out. After all he has a true lake house that sits on the water with a dock that houses a badass boat.

I really need a weekend like this to sit back and relax. Actually I would much rather have an entire week. I am already trying to talk people into going on vacation with me somewhere. I just cashed in my CC points so I have a check for a grand coming my way. A vacation sounds like a good way to blow that check. I am a point right now with my house and projects that I could easily take a week off right now. In fact I am in between houses right now for about 10 days which would make right now the perfect time. Ugghhh that doesn’t happen very often. On top of that I just feel that I am about to go nuts with purchasing houses. I just sold two houses that freed up some cash and mentally changed my mindset. I could see myself loading up on houses this summer. I wouldn’t be surprised and actually hope that I buy at least 5 houses this summer. Hell I hope I find 10 to buy that are really good deals. For some reason the thought no longer scares me.

One thing I really want to hold myself to is openers. I never use canned openers. I think I have used one opener I made up one time and it hooked big time. I don’t see why I didn’t use the confidence from that and proceed forward with openers. What I want to do in the future is actually walk up to a girl/group and open them with some opener I made up. I don’t see why I don’t do this. I know it works. I know it works well. So what the fuck is my problem. I hope to figure out how to fix this issue when I return. I mean situational shit works well and I have had a lot of success from it. But what if you could increase your success by 100% who wouldn’t want to do that.