So I am sitting here torn. A huge part of me is missing the lifestyle I had for the better part of this year. I mean I am craving going out and just getting crazy and meeting all sorts of women. The chase, the challenge, the intrigue of meeting new women. I love it! I want it! I need it! On top of this I never got good. I started going out, I started reading, I started learning, I got decent, I built attraction, I kissed a billion girls, I got a billion numbers, and I shagged a decent amount of girls. But I never got good, great, fantastic and that is bothering me. All my life anything that interested me I would just sit there for hours, days, weeks, months, however long it would take to get really good. Now I was never good enough at anything to be a pro well maybe bowling but I was better than most. That is what is bothering me right now. I never became one of the best PUA’s out there if I have to label it. What I would really rather call it is I was never able to attract most women.
Case in point. We went to Aura last week. I would say the average of the room was an 8. Now that is just down right insane and something I don’t think I have ever seen. Did I talk to one girl? Nope I sure didn’t. I was even with a guy who introduced me to about 10 women and all I said was it was nice meeting you. HUH???? WTF is that??? This is just retarted and is still bugging me a freaking week later.
See I basically had instant success when I got into the game. This success bread success and I will say I think I did get half way decent. I did learn a ton of stuff and it helped me a lot. But then I got complacent, super busy, and started neglecting the game. I no longer read material. I no longer incorporated anything new. I just did the same shit over and over that had a marginal success rate and went with it. I am not saying your game should always be evolving that is debatable. But you should always be improving regardless of what your goals are. See that is what I am so upset with right now. I don’t think I have improved for about 3 months. I think if I put my mind to this I could get really good. I mean I could see myself being back in Aura and just eating the women up. Walking up to any set and taking it over and having the girls fall in love. I know that is possible. I know it’s achievable. I want to see what it is like with women this attractive. I have had nights where this was achievable but it was with a much lower standard of women in the venue.
Then there is this other huge side of me that is basically the old me. The old me pretty much hated bars. The old me hated the chase. I just want things the easy way. I want them to just fall in my lap. I don’t want to work for it or anything for that matter. See that me is the loser me. Nothing is fucking easy or free in this life. You make your way your future your life. The old me just wants to tell my ex that we should be together and just run off and get married or at the very least go ahead and be in an exclusive relationship again. I mean that is the easy thing to do. I don’t have to worry about going out and trying to meet some hottie. It gets freaking tiring going out all the time, drinking yourself silly, feeling the effects the next day and then doing it all over again. You might find and meet some hottie but really she is just alright. You might build a harem and get laid anytime you want. You might have girls calling you, texting you all sorts of crazy shit that will make your head spin. Girls begging you to come over and fucking them silly. I mean it is an awesome feeling but damn is this one girl enough? This side of me certainly thinks so. Hell she was enough for 3 years what is so different now. Sure I had a taste of another lifestyle many would kill to have but she is still so freaking alluring to me.
I mean I could serioulsy picture her sitting right next to me right now living in this house with me. I can picture getting married to her. I can picture us having kids. I can picture us growing old and raising our family together. I can picture us spending all of the holidays with our families. It is vivid it is clear and I would be extremely happy with it.
So here I am standing waiting at this current Y in my path. I mean I would love to take both paths but can I? Maybe I can maybe I can’t like I said I am torn and currently my brain is not allowing me to choose a path. Writing this has actually helped me a lot. Because right now I am thinking you know what I don’t have to make this choice right now. This is something that should marinate on your brain for a while. It is something you certainly shouldn’t rush into because this is life altering.
I will however say this. I started reading material again today. It will be interesting to see what happens.