I wish the title of this entry meant that I was done with Game and moving on with an Amazing Girl. Unfortunately it is probably the end of a chapter in my life. One that has lasted about 1/8th of my life and a huge percentage of what I would call my adult life. It is the relationship with my ex that has lasted the culmination of the last four years. The first three we were together and inseparable. The last year consisted of on again off again type of relationship.

Our last couple months we had decided to get back together and date with certain rules in place. We both had an interest of seeing other people so this was allowed. We could date someone else but the dating could not progress to sex. I was at a point in my life that I was sort of done with game for a while so I agreed to this. The problem is in my head I never committed to the idea of not having sex with another girl. It was pretty fucking shitty of me to agree to this and lead her on. I believe in Karma so I wouldn’t be surprised if it bit me in the ass. The second problem with this is lately girls are just falling into my lap. It just seems that ever since I got this Mohawk I have been pulling the hottest girls of my life. And the quantity is right up there with the start of the year. The only difference is all these girls are pretty smoking hot.

I knew this conversation was going to take place. I had been thinking how I was going to handle it and knew I must act quickly if it was going to happen on my terms. Then out of the blue not under my own terms my phone rings. I have two options here. I can just send it to voicemail and handle it later. Or I can go ahead and face it head on and handle it right then. In my life I have learned many things. One thing is to just tackle stuff head on. The longer you let it linger the more you think about it and it just messes stuff up. Your head gets wrapped about it and you can’t focus on anything else.

Ring Ring…

PC: Hello
EX: So are you ignoring me?
PC: Nope

At this point I am just letting silence creep in. I want her to lead the conversation.

Silence

EX: So I just have one question to ask you.
PC: Alright
EX: Are you seeing someone else?

I pause here and think about how to handle this. Then I just know I need to be honest about this. It sucks because honesty brings about hurt feelings. Right here I know just how bad I am about to hurt someone I care greatly for.

PC: Yes
EX: That is what I thought.
EX: Have you slept with her?

Once again I go silent for about 10 seconds. A see-saw is going off in my head of yes or no. Fuck! I have to be honest. I have lived this entire year just being straight up with every girl no matter what the consequence.

PC: Yes

I won’t talk anymore about what was said after that answer.

When I was younger I had a girlfriend for like 5 years. I mean the relationship lasted forever. In fact I went out with her for my entire college career (What a Waste). I had such a hard time leaving this girl but in the end I realized something. I realized that by me stringing things along I was hurting her. So one day I set her free. I knew for a fact I had no interest in marrying her so while she was young I would send her on her way.

Right now I am going through something very similar. There is one thing slightly (Hugely) different. The EX now I think I could marry someday. In fact I think this so much that I could seriously be making the biggest mistake of my life right now. I just can’t find it in myself to settle down though. And if I am not 100% set on the idea of settling down I can’t do it. So once again I am letting her go. Yes she is mad as hell and doesn’t want anything to do with me but that will pass. If I wanted her back in a week or so I could probably have her. But I am not going to do that. I need to be the one chasing her. I need to be the one that can’t live without her. And until that time comes (If it ever does) I will do everything in my power to get her back.

It is amazing I am writing this right now. If I had her in my lap a year ago I would have been so happy. I have had the opportunity to have her back so many times this year and I chose no. I am going to keep her at a distance for a while and see what my thoughts are like. Who knows I might have cravings and realize I fucked up. If that is the case then I will hope and pray that she is still single and gives me another chance. It would seem she has given me so many chances and I squander them.

Only time will tell and that is how this will work out. Time will pass and either my feelings will grow stronger or weaker.

I don’t know the future I can only act in the present.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 26th, 2008 at 9:23 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.