So I have decided to change my site up and use the wordpress platform.  I have heard good things about this and decided I will give it a try.  One thing I really like about it is the comment section.  I think that is an awesome feature and would allow the readers to give feedback on my post.

This is a lengthly process however as I have no idea how to automate the process of transferring everything over.  That means I have to do each post individually.  At last count I think I had around 130 posts.  So I am guessing this will take many hours to complete.  I will do my best to get them over asap but I think it might take me a good part of this week to complete.

So my last post I basically put on paper what I was upset about. I have been going back and forth with myself today if I even wanted to go out this evening. Being Friday night and all it is just habit that on this night of the week it is a guarantee that you go somewhere. For reasons of which I am not entirely clear the ambition to do this is lacking. But after debating the pros and cons for a good few hours I have decided I should go out and mingle.

Now the question is will I actually mingle? Or will I just sit around like lump on a log and go into AFC mannerism mode.

That is where this post comes in. I guess I feel like if I jot this down and make it public I will be held accountable. I will have no choice but to come back home and write my results of the evening.

So what does that mean exactly.

It means if I see a hot girl (Well we are going to Lower Greenville the odds of that are actually quite slim) that I will approach without hesitation. And seeing what I put in parentheses means that it will be even rarer and possible harder. She will be a swan amongst ducklings.

It means that I will be more social and act accordingly with the average HB7. I feel like last weekend I was socially awkward. How the fuck is that possible after a year in the game. How do you revert back to the AFC days and lose everything you learned? Things like a simple conversation seemed to be hard to put together. Wow

It means I will not get drunk. I look back at some of the times I have been drunk. Now on occasion even while being drunk I have done well. In fact I have done very well being drunk. But when you are sober you think about most of the times and you probably come off as a retard. Any girl who is not tipsy or drunk will probably want you to leave immediately upon your approach. She will think you are a boozer and a loser. And it might just be the girl whom I would most likely want to get to know is the one who is actually sober and not a bar fly whore.

It means I will not worry about outcome. Lately I have been noticing I really care about the outcome. Not so much in worrying about if I will be successful. But worrying about if I am not successful. It is almost as if I am worried because I will have to be in a small confined area with a girl who just shot me down. I am always so worried about what others think of me. And these people are complete strangers that I will probably never see again. I can count on both hands how many times I have ran into the same person twice. It almost never happens. Almost never and I used to go out 4 times a week. So with that said I need to erase fear, rejection, and worry out of my mind.

And lastly this means. I am a very confident person. I believe everyone should think confidently and it will portray good things about yourself. But last weekend I was a little too confident. I felt like I owned the world and was going to pull an SNL. Now this just flew out of my head while drinking and bullshitting with the guys. Normally I would say think this to yourself. Hell I used to never leave the house without a condom in my pocket. It was just positive reinforcement. But now I don’t think I will think such crazy things. I will be and act confident and let the chips fall where they may. If I pull an SNL fine. If I get a number fine. If I bounce a girl to a different venue fine. If I don’t get a number at all and get shot down fine. If I don’t open the hotties whom I am really interested in…Well that isn’t fine.

I invent nothing, I rediscover…

I think it is very important to outline your mistakes as well as your successes. Today I must talk more about my horrible weekend. I have been thinking and reflecting about it. I went out Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. I did not number close a single girl. I did not have one good interaction take place. I can’t remember a time that it was any worse. And to top it off Sunday night I felt like I reverted back to the person I was before I even joined the community. Yes it was that freaking bad. UGH!!!

So Friday night we had a night game meet up which I was late for so I just met up with the guys at Sherlock’s. I wasn’t there for 2 seconds when everyone was already wanting to bounce. I take a look around and it seemed to me like there was some pretty good sets in the joint. But ohh well everyone wanted to go to Loft 610. I couldn’t get in the week before because they have a thing against white shoes. They want everyone to look the same at this joint. So I had no choice but to head home and change my entire outfit since they also frowned upon holy jeans. I donned some black shoes for the first time in over a year, put on some nice jeans without holes and headed that way.

When I first entered the place I thought it looked pretty good. A happening atmosphere with a nice big round bar. I didn’t take much time to do anything but head to the bathroom. Afterwards I had no idea where everyone was so I take a stroll upstairs to see what is up there. I spot my friends almost immediately and walk on over. After chatting with them for a few seconds two girls walk by. The girl in the front who is maybe a 6 slightly grazes my arm. I use this as a good reason to open the much cuter friend who is following her. Now this girl really isn’t that great maybe a 7 at best but that is probably pushing it a little. But the thing is she is Asian, petite and still pretty cute. And since I have still not been with an Asian I am certainly alright with her.

Almost immediately this girl starts going goo goo gaa gaa over me. I haven’t heard more compliments flow out of someone’s mouth in my entire life. Alright so I am thinking wow this is easy this might even turn into a SNL. I escalate the interaction quick and she Number Closes Me. And I proceed to ruin the entire freaking set. In hindsight unfortunately I shot her down. I made her ego feel as tiny as humanly possible when I said NO. I figured I would just number close her as I would way rather be in control. But it didn’t go like that and she felt rejected. This was the start of a horrible weekend.

Later I am standing at the bar just chatting away with the guys. A girl walks up to the bar and has the bartender refill her non-alcoholic drink. She takes an olive throws it in her mouth and makes a very odd face. I neg her about the horrible face she is making and she opens right up. This girl lets me know she just broke up with her boyfriend and seems to be really into me. Well I screw it up here as I just turn around and ignore her. A few minutes later as she is leaving she goes: Bye playercool it was nice meeting you. OMG once again I am a retard. Looking back that was probably an SNL waiting to happen.

Down at the bar 2 girls who were part of a 4 set of girls open me up about my Mohawk. I don’t know which one it was and I can barely hear these girls. I will blame this one on my lack of hearing but Fuck. One of them was super cute and totally my style of girl. I looked back every once in a while and she would give me awesome eye contact. Why I didn’t go back in and talk with her I don’t know.

Saturday night just went so horrible and I will blame that on Booze. I really don’t even need to mention anything here about Saturday night other than it sucked. I will never get that drunk again. I am sure I looked like an idiot.

Sunday even though I really didn’t want to go out I decided what the hell let me try and right this sinking ship. I am not a big fan of RA but I figured there wasn’t anything else good so we might as well go there. We end up just standing around like a bunch of onlookers. I felt like my old self before I joined the community. I couldn’t stand it. And to make things worse I didn’t open this crazy ass hot girl who I could tell was not a bar fly. She probably got pulled to this joint for a nice dinner with her girlfriends and they decided to stay and check the place out for a bit afterwards. I know that is one reason I thought this girl was so hot. But she was also just hot, Period. This girl was standing right next to me and I couldn’t even say Hello. After I fucked this up all I thought about was leaving. There was no reason to stand at this bar anymore I might as well go home. And home I went.

I wrote all of this to myself just now as a reminder. I often look back at what I have written and it usually helps me in one way or another. I really want this weekend as a reminder so I don’t mess up again. I am mostly upset about that hottie at RA.

Don’t let this happen again…

I want you to stand up. I want you to stand up and walk over to the window. I want you to stick your head out and yell I’m mad as hell! Yell I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

So I have had a horrible week. My mind is so fucked up. And yes I am in some sort of mini depression. I wish I could just curl up into a little ball and forget about the world for one fucking second. This is what I like to call ADVERSITY. And how you face adversity really defines you as a person. See I can’t curl up into a little ball and forget all of this. I have no choice but to face it head on and conquer it. It is my job, it is my duty, and I will succeed.

So this is how my week went. I just cut 50k in checks. The tax man has cometh and he wants to be paid. Running the numbers on a cash standpoint I am essentially broke. I have some investments and nice amount of equity in my house but actual cash that I can rub between my fingers is pretty much nonexistent. What sucks even worse is this sort of just crept up on me. I was more or less blindsided which is completely my own fault. I spent money last year like it was nothing, I barely worked, and then I am facing the worst housing market I have ever seen. Put all those together and you get to where I am now.

Then yesterday I was messing around working on one of my rehabs. I was doing some electrical work and I am almost certain I was one millimeter away from dying. The wire I was touching completely disintegrated my pliers. Sparks shot everywhere I jumped back and was just sitting there wondering how I was alive. I couldn’t even function for about 30 minutes. All I could think about was my body lying on the ground without a pulse and the people around me saying ohh man that sucks.

So now I am freaking out. I am broke. And I almost died. WTF is going on here. I am now in the worst mood in the world just trying to figure out what I have done in my life to bring on this stuff. Has karma caught up to me for my sins?? I make it through the day and head over to my parents. I am rambling on about my current fiascoes when they tell me about a family member. My uncle was just admitted back into the hospital. He is laid up in some room with cancer. Now if that doesn’t put things into perspective I don’t know what will. I just laid back in the couch feeling so sorry for him and his family. My problems are nothing compared to his. What the Fuck do I have to complain about.

If you see something you want in life I want you to go after it. If what you see makes sense I want you to not let anything get in your way. You have been given an opportunity to do some amazing things in life. Letting it slip by without your footprint is the biggest mistake.

Make a choice in life. Leave some soil churned or evaporate like dust in the wind.

I wonder if sometimes knowing everything I have learned gets in my way. Take my latest relationship with HBTC for example. Last night we sort of got into a fight. It was over text but she pissed me off big time. In person I have been able to smooth things over pretty good and she will comment the next day thanking me for being the bigger person. Last night was different though. This time it was over text which was a first for us. All of our fights have always been in person before. It is so much easier to judge things in person.

So here I am today making it a point not to contact her. And I can guarantee she is doing the exact same thing. See we are identical. We are both super freaking stubborn. So I question though what if I didn’t know any of this game related stuff. Would I give in and call her? I know for a fact I would have already texted her today. And you know what that might actually be the right thing to do in this situation. Unless she just all the sudden doesn’t want to see or talk to me ever again this is probably the right move. But the other side of me…the new side says nope…I am going to wait another day or two or three before I initiate contact. I am basically screwing myself over because I am not allowing myself to more than likely have a good time with her.

With that being said I have to question is this how a relationship should progress? Things always seem to be two steps forward one step back with us. I look around and can’t help but wonder in the beginning aren’t most relationships like 37 steps forward one step back. A friend of mine commented once about us saying things should be easy in the beginning. Our relationship has been nothing but constant struggle it would seem. And I must say I sort of like that as I see it as a challenge. I almost find myself more attracted to HBTC since she is such a pain in the ass sometimes.

What if it was easy? What if things just flowed like clockwork and we progressed without a hitch. I have to wonder if things would be better. If I would find myself even more attracted to this girl. I know I contradict myself in saying this but I am pretty certain I wish things were easier. I am starting to question is this really worth it.

I wrote the above sometime in the Afternoon Friday without publishing it.

Friday night me and some friends went out. We were on a mission to bar hop and let me say we succeeded in that endeavor. I think we went to 5 different bars. While we were bar hopping someone mentioned we should go to Quarter Bar since it was right down the street. I texted HBTC just to make sure she wasn’t there. This was my first text to her all day and it was around 11:00. I get no response from her for at least 30-45 minutes so I say fuck it and we head over.

We stay for only a short period of time before we eventually get bored and are ready to hit something else up. Just as I am walking out I notice one of her friends. She is waving and telling me to come say hello. I know that HBTC must be around so I am thinking hrmm…this sucks I really don’t have any interest in seeing her.

I walk over and say hello and start chatting this other girl up for about 30 seconds. And then she goes you remember my friend HBTC. Of course she is standing right next to her and I haven’t even acknowledged her. I turn around say hello and introduce myself to the orbiter who is with them. I am a total dick headed asshole to this guy which of course now in my sober state I regret.

They are in line for the bathroom and HBTC takes her turn and leaves us. I make small talk with the other two and then she eventually comes back out from the bathroom. I walk over in front of her and pick her up off the ground and we start making out. See how quickly things can be resolved. We are both drunk and I either walk her 10 feet over to the wall or carry her I don’t recall. We start making out some more and then she pushes me away as hard as she can.

She goes on about how I don’t play by the rules and that is why she is so pissed off at me. I try to gather more information but she isn’t lending me any.

My friends are blowing my phone up so I decide I must leave her. All I do is look up to her group and say I am leaving. I was a huge asshole and this definitely didn’t help things. Just before I leave I grab a chunk of her hair and give it a nice tug. Then I just turn off and walk away.

I have tried to smooth things over with her today but she is very cold and unresponsive for the most part. She will respond with one word texts. This is the point where I will normally pull out the “I will go ahead and delete your number” text. I have held off though as I don’t want to act too brashly and stubbornly with this one. It is a little harder to use that text when you actually like the girl and want to continue seeing her. Plus I know just how stubborn she is and there is a good chance we would never see each other. I don’t see this working on her.

I am currently at a loss for what to do with this girl.